Emotions running high

I hate days where I feel like no matter where I turn, I’m at a dead end. Yep. That’s me today. (Stupid female emotions) But yesterday I went to see my cousin and her baby. I love them. I needed another Baby-Fix. That was fast. I’m feeling the pressure, and I definitely shouldn’t. I’m 21 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. I yearn to be independent and an individual and be respected for me. I want to know that I can make it through life on my own. I just don’t want to. Part of me wants to be taken in and taken care of and told that I’ll always be needed and wanted. Part of me says F*ck y’all. I don’t need anybody.

It has become a recent examination of mine that every friend that I have (with the exception of my male friend Bubba) is married and/or have children. In recent months, my best and oldest friend (we’ve been friends for about 17 years) got engaged. He’s a great guy and I’m very happy for her. I’ve also been asked to be her MOH, which is a huge honor. But being around it all, is mildly depressing. I have also recently gotten in touch with a best friend that I made my Junior year of high school. I’m referring to her as Bob. Bob and I just clicked. We lost touch after high school and recently found each other via myspace. We’ve reconnected better than before and I love spending time with her, and her family. Mostly her 13 month old daughter. God love em they are so accommodating to me. Bob has always known my desire for a family life. In an effort to make me feel more involved, they have started calling me Aunt Jessi. It helps.

But in a reevaluation of my life, I feel like I am no longer in the fast lane. I’ve fallen behind. I always thought I had it all, or I was on my way. I have a great career. I’m a decently attractive woman. I have a nice car and nice family. But its not mine. I need someone to slap me on the face and tell me I’m not missing anything. With my brother graduating high school this year, I’m feeing old. This doesn’t help. My friends try not to leave me out, but when I want to go out and they’re all like, "Well, let me check with my husband/fiancée…" its hard. One side of me is like "Thank GOD I don’t have to check in with anybody!!" But part of me wishes I had someone to care where I was and be there for me when I get home. I’ll be fine and I’ll get out of this funk, eventually. I just need to vent. It’s probably all just PMS. (Sorry guys.) Sometimes I just wish I had my own life. Wish I had my own family. But in the meantime, I just have me. And that’ll have to be good enough.