friends

I have always considered myself lucky with friends. I have a fair amount of acquaintances but they are usually people that I don’t hang out with. Usually that relationship consists of them calling me when they need their hair done or they have a relationship problem. But I suck it up hoping that the one time that I will need them, I will have time in the bank for them to help me. It hardly ever works that way, but I believe in karma and that eventually, everything will work out. But I have ALWAYS had only a few close friends. But getting older people are always in different stages in our lives, even if we are the same age. I have a friend who is very immersed in his career and the schooling that he needs. He can be called into work at all hours and he can be called to different towns. I have another friend that is a newlywed who now has NO time for me. I have another friend who is just about as girl crazy as he can be. So he’ll call me in the middle of the night to tell me about this “hottie” that he’s picked up and then get mad when I tell him that going home with him is not a good idea.

My point is that I’m in a transition. I’m recently out of a relationship that I would have gladly taken to the alter even though it wasn’t the best thing for me. I’m living alone and trying to embrace the single life. I’m focused on my career that keeps me busy about 50 hours a week. But being that I’m not in any of the categories of my friends, it’s hard to connect. I come to despise some of them because they seem to move on without me and here I am trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not bitter. I’m just confused as to how people can hold onto friendships for 30 years. Do they let go for a while until everyone is seemingly on the same page? When our lives don’t mesh, am I supposed to keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?

I love my friends and I’m not planning on letting go any time soon. I hope that they realize that I’m the glue that’s holding this together and that they come to their senses before my stickiness wears off. I feel like that childhood rhyme gone wrong. I’m rubber, you’re glue…

I can breathe again.

I realize...
I realize that I've always lived for someone else.
I realize that no company is better than bad company.
I realize that sitting at home on a Saturday night leaves me refreshed.
I realize that the people that call me just to check on me are the ones that will always be there.
I realize that its ok to cry, but it doesn't make me feel better.
I realize that life moves on in mysterious ways.
I realize that when one door closes, more doors open than you expected.
I realize that you don't have to go into each door that opens. You have a choice.
I realize that picking up the pieces means finding things you forgot were there.
I realize that when I'm looking at failure, I try to rationalize things that are bad for me, knowing that everything will be better once they are gone.
I realize that I'm not alone.
I realize that some men find women my size sexy.
I realize that I may be a dork, but there's no reason to hide that.
I realize that no matter how hard I try, some people will never accept me. And that's fine.
I realize that I'm happy.
I realize that being open to all possibilities, brings the unexpected.
I realize that being alone is not ideal, but its worth waiting to find the right person to not be alone with.
I realize that no matter what, I'm going to be ok.
I realize that I can breathe again.