Christmas season?

First off let me begin by saying that I LOVE Christmas season. I love decorating my tree, which is taking me about 4 days now to complete, and looking at christmas lights. I love lounging in my pajamas drinking hot cocoa with a blanket and watching movies.

Now is the time of year that I really wish I wasn't alone, but this year I am determined to make the most of it. I'm determined to be happy with just myself, which isn't hard because I'm fabulous. ;)

The Saturday after Christmas I put up my tree and put on the lights. Sunday I started putting on the balls. I still am (on Wednesday) because I keep finding places to add and change. I'm really anal about my christmas tree. My cat loves the tree. She lays on the couch and looks at it, but I'm convinced that she'll tangle herself in the lights one of these days and knock it all over. I'll be incredibly pist. Really pist.

I've also started to branch out my friends. I decided to start working out with my ex-roomate and new neighbor around the corner. She has those Carmen Electra how to strip aerobic work out dvds. Don't laugh. It's going to be hilarious, but at least we'll be active. And maybe I'll pick up some new moves.

So this past weekend I went to the Planned Parenthood to get some new birthcontrol. I am over the whole pill thing. For as desolate as my sex life currently is, I don't find it necessary to take a pill every day and wish for some action. So the nurse writes me a prescription for a diaphragm. I'm excited. You can put that sucker in for a whole 24 hours and have a sex marathon!! You can put it in before a date and hope you'll get lucky and be prepared. No more forgetting to take a pill. I'm stoked. So I go to the pharmacy. I stand in line for the chick. The guy about my age starts waving me over to his counter. I acted like I didn't see him. I didn't want to see him. He finally yelled at me and I went over. He takes my script and starts writing down my DOB and my address and such and he says
we'll have it ready in..... hmmmm... actually, we don't keep this in stock. I'll have to order it.
Me: that's fine. (inside I'm screaming dammit!!!)
Him: Well, that is, were you planning on using it... tonight? I mean , do you need it?
Me: (shocked look on my face) I think I'll manage till Monday. How will I know if you get it in?
Him: How about I give you a call. What's your number?
Suddenly I felt like I was in a bar being picked up by a sleazer.
I couldn't leave fast enough. I laughed all the way home. He probably thinks I'm a hussy. Oh well. I should have asked him if he volunteered to help me deflower the diaphragm (thanks for that lingo Kev).

Wish me luck on all that.

JM

The sad man at work

Today was a busy morning. I felt productive and good. Excited about seeing the new guy this weekend. My parents were out of town which meant NO interruptions.

Then I get a fax from the MRI place. We had already received a report on this patient earlier this week that said that everything was fine. No bulging discs. Fine. So we get this addendum. It states that there were discrepencies in his marrow and the reasonable explaination would be that he has lymphoma or leukemia. So now, we have to call this man that we already said was fine and tell him that he needs to see an oncologist. I work for a chiropractor. I don't get this kind of stuff.

So I'm calling oncologists and cancer centers and they are telling me it will take close to 2 weeks to get him in. I'm emotional. I'm upset because these dipshits have NO heart and I want my patient taken care of. I want someone who is sympathetic and kind and not a friggin PMS bitch. WTF??

I'll be the first one to say that I get overly attached to my pateints. That's why I'm good at what I do. I care.

This man is not married. Kinda lonely. He flirts with me everytime he comes in the office but since he doesn't really act on it, I play along. It's friendly banter. He doesn't seem to have much family. Who is going to care about his man having cancer? He comes in about 5 minutes late today and said he was sorry. He didn't know where the time went. I've got tears in my eyes. What do you say to this man? What can you possibly say to make it better? When he leaves, he always makes a joke about me swiping his credit card and how I'm the only woman he lets use his plastic and stuff. Not a word today. It's a sad day.

Weekend of craziness

This past weekend was abnormally long. It started with a almost date with a needy guy Friday night. It was the second time I'd seen him and his neediness was wearing me terribly thin. Every woman wants to be needed, but he was taking it too far. So while in the car on the way to the bar, he keeps going on about how late I was and where was I before this and why didn't I answer my phone and then he kept asking me in an extremely whiny voice for my hand. Excuse me? So we get to the bar and I told him to go in and get us seats and I was going to run to the gas station because my car was running on fumes. While there I just couldn't make myself go back. Next thing I know I'm driving home. I couldn't believe it. I actually left him. So after about 22 whiny messages I knew I made the right choice, but I definitely could have been a little nicer about it.

Saturday was my cousin's wedding. She was a beautiful bride. The ceremony was nice and short. The singing was beautiful. The maid of honor's little boy, I think he was 3 or 4, told me that he thought my shoes were sexy and then he got embarassed and ran away. My asshole ex was there but I didn't even pay him any attention, which I know bothered him. We get to the reception and everything is so violently decorated in pink. pink. pink. hot pink. All the lights were off except for the hot pink christmas lights hanging from the ceiling which basted everyone in a pinkish glow. Actually it was quite pretty. After the bride and groom get there and they ate, they started playing club music. My grandmother was holding her ears. Everyone hadn't even eaten yet. There's nothing like trying to eat with all the bridesmaids grinding on eachother to some explicitly languaged song. I'm not a prude, but I prefer not to see that while eating. yuck. But all in all it was a success. I didn't even get one "you're next....!" from the family which made my night more enjoyable.

I left the reception for a first date. Things went better than I expected, or could have even hoped and we even saw eachother Sunday night, but I won't be writing about it till later for fear of looking like an idiot.

Have a good week.

friends

I have always considered myself lucky with friends. I have a fair amount of acquaintances but they are usually people that I don’t hang out with. Usually that relationship consists of them calling me when they need their hair done or they have a relationship problem. But I suck it up hoping that the one time that I will need them, I will have time in the bank for them to help me. It hardly ever works that way, but I believe in karma and that eventually, everything will work out. But I have ALWAYS had only a few close friends. But getting older people are always in different stages in our lives, even if we are the same age. I have a friend who is very immersed in his career and the schooling that he needs. He can be called into work at all hours and he can be called to different towns. I have another friend that is a newlywed who now has NO time for me. I have another friend who is just about as girl crazy as he can be. So he’ll call me in the middle of the night to tell me about this “hottie” that he’s picked up and then get mad when I tell him that going home with him is not a good idea.

My point is that I’m in a transition. I’m recently out of a relationship that I would have gladly taken to the alter even though it wasn’t the best thing for me. I’m living alone and trying to embrace the single life. I’m focused on my career that keeps me busy about 50 hours a week. But being that I’m not in any of the categories of my friends, it’s hard to connect. I come to despise some of them because they seem to move on without me and here I am trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not bitter. I’m just confused as to how people can hold onto friendships for 30 years. Do they let go for a while until everyone is seemingly on the same page? When our lives don’t mesh, am I supposed to keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?

I love my friends and I’m not planning on letting go any time soon. I hope that they realize that I’m the glue that’s holding this together and that they come to their senses before my stickiness wears off. I feel like that childhood rhyme gone wrong. I’m rubber, you’re glue…

I can breathe again.

I realize...
I realize that I've always lived for someone else.
I realize that no company is better than bad company.
I realize that sitting at home on a Saturday night leaves me refreshed.
I realize that the people that call me just to check on me are the ones that will always be there.
I realize that its ok to cry, but it doesn't make me feel better.
I realize that life moves on in mysterious ways.
I realize that when one door closes, more doors open than you expected.
I realize that you don't have to go into each door that opens. You have a choice.
I realize that picking up the pieces means finding things you forgot were there.
I realize that when I'm looking at failure, I try to rationalize things that are bad for me, knowing that everything will be better once they are gone.
I realize that I'm not alone.
I realize that some men find women my size sexy.
I realize that I may be a dork, but there's no reason to hide that.
I realize that no matter how hard I try, some people will never accept me. And that's fine.
I realize that I'm happy.
I realize that being open to all possibilities, brings the unexpected.
I realize that being alone is not ideal, but its worth waiting to find the right person to not be alone with.
I realize that no matter what, I'm going to be ok.
I realize that I can breathe again.

Definite Changes

Things at work have been very unbearable lately. So last week I quit. I have many reasons for this decision. I talked with the boyfriend and we decided that its the best thing for me. So I went in after work one night and we cleaned out my desk and I left a note to my two bosses explaining that I was leaving and I also laid out some specific reasons and put some of my old co-workers' named in there. I put everything on the table. I haven't heard what's happened as of yet, but I doubt that its good.

I feel better already. I can finally breathe. Of course now I have to get another job and I've decided to go back to school. I'm not sure for what yet. But I'm NO LONGER going to let myself be unhappy because of my job just not being what I want it to be. F*ck that. So I'm doing a little soul searching and I'm going to find what motivates me and do it!!!

Update to come soon.

It’s all about me, me and wait – me.

I came across this old blog that was written last summer. I have recently gotten away from the Me-Man but I have had many encounters and I hope you can learn from my past experiences. So, without further ado:

The Me-Man

It seems that in my dating experiences, I've fallen into this rift where most of the men that I meet, are all about number one. Of course this side never appears until half way through a seemingly smooth date, when you start to see a bit of this selfish side. But the real question is, are there signs beforehand that would make it easier on us and not leave us with a holy sh*t I cannot believe he just said that look on our face? Are they well hidden or are we just blind to them as we are with many other red flags that men emit? I call this the “me-man” syndrome.

Most women have been here, where you can’t believe that you actually got into this situation with a seemingly nice/handsome/funny me-man that you may or may not be already in a relationship with. It could be that you’re out with a me-man and he asks you something so incredible that you are speechless, but he acts like its nothing. It could be something as simple as “if you cook tonight honey, I’ll do the dishes”. Fair deal. You cook a fantabulous meal and then when its time to clean up, he “forgot” that the game is on, and says he’ll do it next time, and he spends the next 3 hours in front of the TV. He calls into the kitchen that a beer would be real nice right about now…

Here’s another!! Your man is “too tired” to drive your car around the block to see if he knows that that strange noise from under the hood is is, but then 10 minutes later asking if you’d go to the department store with him to help him pick out a tie for his interview tomorrow. Can we take my car so you can check out that noise? No, I’d just rather take mine. So you walk out to the car. I’m tired so can you drive? What’s probably going through your head right now is how can anyone actually be in a relationship with a man like this? Didn’t you know that he was like this before you got involved? Why do you put up with it?? Well, maybe when you get to the store, he sees you eyeing that special purse and buys it for you. You think that maybe he was just too tired, and he means well. Bullsh*t!! Honey, get out now. I’ll bet ya ten dollars that he offers to drive on the way home and you get all happy with him again, thinking things are better, then he casually mentions how horny you make him and if you wouldn’t mind…

So what are the warning signs?? I have found several, but there are many: being cheap, worrying too much about what people think about him, walking in front of you not with you, interrupting you when you are talking, asking that you travel to their “turf”, never asking about your day, reneging, and many more too numerous to list. I’m not saying that having one of these traits means that he is a me-man by any means. But these are red flags that I have in the past just disregarded and have come back to haunt me.

Why do men feel that everything is deserving of them?? That they can jus ask something us of and assume it’ll get done. Most women aren’t like that. But most importantly I have heard women wonder why men act this way and why they feel like everything should be given to them with no regard to anyone else’s feelings or actions?? Because we let them!! They have grown accustomed to us giving and giving and giving. We need to hold them accountable. And yes I know not all women let this happen. I for one have recently begun to stand up for myself in these situations. Don’t be too cynical with them. Maybe he does have a good excuse. Maybe he really is “too tired”. But he if doesn’t step it up, and this becomes an ongoing thing, you may have a problem. I’ve had a man ask me flat out for a blow job just like he was asking for a bottle of water. I’ve never sat on the couch with a guy and been like “Honey? You know what sounds real good right about now? How about you get me a glass of wine and spend a little time downtown before we go to sleep. Oh, and tomorrow on your way to work, can you drop of my dry cleaning and pick me up a pair of panty hose at the drugstore?” Well, maybe we should.

Paper-Filler

At my job there is mutual dislike between me and mostly everyone else there. In recent months, they have taken to giving me meaningless duties that should and have in the past been divided among us secretaries. No, its time to pick on me. I have to answer the telephones. I also do daily court runs. I used to have to change the “back-up server” tape, but since I didn’t do it PL’s way (our lead secretary) she took it away from me. She used to say, as long as it gets done, buuuttt I like to do it this way. And when I did it how I liked, they took that away and gave it to someone else. Big deal. I now also have to take care of the postage meter and take the mail down at the end of the day and keep the keys to the meter and the safe. Yes, these are all menial little tasks, but they keep loading me down with this little crap hoping that one day I’ll get fed up and leave or that I’ll f*ck it all up and they can get rid of me. Yes I am on to their little game.

My newest job is “paper filler”. What does this all important task include? Yep. You guessed it. They have assigned one person to keep all the paper filled in the copier, printer and fax machine as well as keeping a stash in the cabinet. So every morning I was to make sure everything was as full as you could get it. If it was any less than that when I was checked up on, it just wasn’t acceptable. AND, if someone had a huge copy job and they used almost everything in the morning or whenever, if PL came back and checked and it was low, I got my arse ripped. I don’t have time to go back and check the paper levels throughout the day. That is idiotic and a complete waste of my time.

Then PL decided that we shouldn’t have it filled ALL THE WAY UP every day because then the paper on the bottom will get ‘old’ and she doesn’t want that, so I was then to just keep an eye on it. Well, earlier this week 2 of the girls had a couple big print and copy jobs and ran out of paper and its my arse on the line. Whatever.

I already hate them. What does it matter? PL says “JM, we could train a MONKEY to do this job. If we can’t trust you to do something as simple as fill the paper around here, then how are we supposed to trust you to do ANYTHING?” I almost punched her in the face right then and there. I do my job. Why doesn’t she go bust coke head over there who takes frequent bath/smoke breaks daily and an overly long lunch break?? Nope, lets bust the paper girl!!!

The times are a changin

So from the last time I updated, so much has changed. I made a new years resolution to write my feelings more often. I guess that "blogging" them counts but I'm not so sure I want all my private thoughts out there for everyone to read, but I'm sure you won't judge me, right?

What can I say?

Work just plain sucks. There is no other way to put it. I now have a new friend at work who is there to back me up whenever I am being wronged or taken advantage of. My boss still annoys the CRAP out of me. He comes in at 8:10 and asks me in all seriousness "anything going on this morning?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?? Office opened 10 freakin minutes ago. But that's jus the start of my day.

I promise to update much MUCH sooner than last time. If anyone is out there, I'll be back soon.
Much hearts,

JM

You Working on that MRS??

Summer is on the way, which means family BBQs and get-togethers. We'll have family reunions and girls luncheons. Being the oldest unmarried person in my family means that I will have to endure the most haunting question over and over: When will you get married??

When I was 16 and at my second cousin's wedding everyone in my entire extended family approached me stating that I was next. Then at my high school graduation party, my great uncle asked me if I was working on my MRS. My MRS?? What the heck is that. As stunned as I was at this, it took me a minute to realize what he meant - my marital status, not a college degree. Since then people have been asking me nonstop when I will be walking down the aisle. More often than not, I am not in a relationship when this happens and I have to go through the whole "I'm still single Aunt Mearl" charade. Then, looking very remorseful and concerned, they rack their brains trying to find someone suitable to set me up with be it that nice young man who mows the grass or their friend Marsha's grandson's roommate.

Even if I was seeing somebody, I wouldn't bring him into the lion's den and let him be bombarded with questions. I made that mistake once thinking that if they saw I was actually with someone, they would lay off. Quite the opposite actually. That is a punishment I wouldn't wish on an ex whom I hated... well, I can't say I'd rule that out completely.

They don't care about my wonderful career. Just the lack of baby making going on. I then have to parade through the throngs of aunts and cousins looking like the 20-something year old spinster that I am. They don't want to hear that I'm happily single and getting along quite fine without a dick to look after thank-you-very-much. Once I'm cornered by old ladies with puffed out hair and a mustache and my cousin with her baby that she had out of wedlock, my mother, being the beast she is, informs everyone that I do go on dates, they just never work out. Which is true. "Maybe if you lost a little bit of weight..." "Maybe if you did something different with your hair. Men like long hair." And my absolute favorite, "Maybe if you weren't so picky..." Well, maybe. But then again, if I wasn't searching for that special something, I'd already be married and living in a trailer park with 3 kids and 14 dogs all over the place talking about leaving the SOB that promised me the world. I'm sorry. That's not me. I'd like to know who I am before I commit myself to one person.

Is it such a crime to not be married? I think not. After I think that everyone has had their say there will be the Uncle that always gets way too intoxicated and goes around informing everyone that I don't need a man, I'm past my prime anyways.

All in all my family isn't that bad. They mean well, I think. It's just very annoying to be constantly pressured into rushing into a commitment with a man I haven't even met yet. I'm sorry people. I'm content. I'm independent. I can take care of myself. I hate to tell them this but I'm not going to settle, and I don't need a three letter prefix added to my name to know who I am. So Uncle Rob... am I working on my MRS?? I think not.

Being sick makes me think

Today I was home sick. Blah I know. I have come to realize that none of my friends ever really call me to talk. Just if they want something. And that's ok because they are busy people. Its just lonely days like this that I hate it. But anyways, its almost hte weekend and I am thoroughly excited. I have no dates which means I will have no bad dates, as most dates are inevitably horrible. Be it the cheap fairy, the Me-Man or Mr. I just want to screw you. So I'm a little excited to be taking it easy. But as things can never be normal, something will pop up.

So its been a week and a half since my last ink job. My family has yet to notice my "lucky stars" as I have nicknamed them. All of my ink mean something to me. And my latest edition are my lucky stars. Hopefully to bring me luck and keep me optimistic. How they are supposed to do that, I don't know. But in my own goofy way, it helps. I need to quit being so pessimistic!!!

Emotions running high

I hate days where I feel like no matter where I turn, I’m at a dead end. Yep. That’s me today. (Stupid female emotions) But yesterday I went to see my cousin and her baby. I love them. I needed another Baby-Fix. That was fast. I’m feeling the pressure, and I definitely shouldn’t. I’m 21 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. I yearn to be independent and an individual and be respected for me. I want to know that I can make it through life on my own. I just don’t want to. Part of me wants to be taken in and taken care of and told that I’ll always be needed and wanted. Part of me says F*ck y’all. I don’t need anybody.

It has become a recent examination of mine that every friend that I have (with the exception of my male friend Bubba) is married and/or have children. In recent months, my best and oldest friend (we’ve been friends for about 17 years) got engaged. He’s a great guy and I’m very happy for her. I’ve also been asked to be her MOH, which is a huge honor. But being around it all, is mildly depressing. I have also recently gotten in touch with a best friend that I made my Junior year of high school. I’m referring to her as Bob. Bob and I just clicked. We lost touch after high school and recently found each other via myspace. We’ve reconnected better than before and I love spending time with her, and her family. Mostly her 13 month old daughter. God love em they are so accommodating to me. Bob has always known my desire for a family life. In an effort to make me feel more involved, they have started calling me Aunt Jessi. It helps.

But in a reevaluation of my life, I feel like I am no longer in the fast lane. I’ve fallen behind. I always thought I had it all, or I was on my way. I have a great career. I’m a decently attractive woman. I have a nice car and nice family. But its not mine. I need someone to slap me on the face and tell me I’m not missing anything. With my brother graduating high school this year, I’m feeing old. This doesn’t help. My friends try not to leave me out, but when I want to go out and they’re all like, "Well, let me check with my husband/fiancée…" its hard. One side of me is like "Thank GOD I don’t have to check in with anybody!!" But part of me wishes I had someone to care where I was and be there for me when I get home. I’ll be fine and I’ll get out of this funk, eventually. I just need to vent. It’s probably all just PMS. (Sorry guys.) Sometimes I just wish I had my own life. Wish I had my own family. But in the meantime, I just have me. And that’ll have to be good enough.

Mother's Day

Another day, another holiday for women. I wish one of these Godforsaken holidays would apply to me!! One day… oh that just cracks me up to think about. But anyways, it was another day for family. We also celebrated April and May birthdays which is our busiest time of the year. This include my cousin Mark’s, my uncle John’s, my uncle Carl’s, my mother’s, my father’s and of course mine. I got to legally drink a glass of wine with dinner. No, my family aren’t wine people, (that’s so laughable) but my aunt and uncle do and I’ve gotten used to it from them. We’re all from rural western Ohio. That’s beer country. Beer and whiskey, which brings me to love my whiskey. Jeez I feel like a hick. But anyways, being as I made a huge deal out of my birthday last month, nobody really said anything about it yesterday, which was a little hurtful. I did get a souvenir from my grandma and grandpa’s cruise. Actually grandma did a good job picking it out (necklace with a blue sandal charm. Very cute even though I feel 16 wearing it.) I know they care, but still. I didn’t even get to pick a birthday dish. I would have prepared it myself. I should probably stop being a brat because my birthday was almost a month ago. Plus mom didn’t get super moody or cry all day. It was great.

It was nice to be around everyone. We mostly got along. Mom was semi-normal. It must have been the baby in our presence. My cousin brought her 3 week old baby, Kyler. I had to fight my aunt (Kyler’s grandma) to spend time with him. My cousin finally told her off and got me the baby. I needed my Baby-Fix. The more I am around babies, the less I feel the need to have one for myself. But I’ll get into that another time.

But now its on to preparation for Graduation. I’ll get into this another time. I don’t want to bore you with a novel. But for now, I have to start inputting addresses of our enormous family into the computer system to put on the envelopes. I love my brother, but he should do this. I don’t remember having help when I graduated, but I’ll leave the bitching for later. They make me feel like a Godsend when I can do things like that on the computer and make life easier for them. And we all know how I like to feel important. (I know, I know. That’s painfully obvious isn’t it?) But for now, good day.

Welcome

Welcome everyone. I'm JM. Here's me.

I have recently entered into the dating realm, again. I have a new philosophy that I will not turn down a date as long as the man is obviously not a wack job. In recent months, I have had many unfortunate scenerios that have left my friends laughing their asses off or with their mouths hanging wide open. With each new experience, I try to take something with me. This is what I hope to pass onto you. Please learn from my mistakes. Any feedback is graciously welcomed.

Of course not every blog will be dedicated to my dating life, which isn't very active (this could be a blessing). I will also ramble of friends and coworkers and obviously other things that tick me off. But I thank you all for reading. If you would like me to read your blog, I would be more than happy to. Just let me know. Also on here, I will be posting my theories of men and dating. Please bear with me as these are only theories, and any comments/feedback on them would be fantastic!!

I love you all.

JM